In His Memory
A Mobile Pantoum
Remembering his life
Recalling all the memories
Looking for his keepsakes
Never wanting to forget
Recalling all the memories
Never letting go of him
Never going to forget
Always looking for him
Never letting go of him
Missing him deeply
Always looking for him
Trying to find pieces of him
Missing him deeply
Doing things in his memory
Trying to find pieces of him
Remembering his life
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
I really like the way you formatted this. It sends a strong message and it makes me really miss him too.
This line does stand out, but like Kyllorac said, changing it a bit might make it fit more with stanza's simply because all the other lines are shorter.
Overall I loved it
It is nice, but the publishing part, I doubt that. It is your choice, and this poem is good too but still you should have a better portfolio.
This line struck me as too long, and it threw off the flow for me. "Never letting go completely" fits more with the other lines lengthwise.
Other than that, though, I don't really have much to say. This is a very well done pantoum, and the repetition didn't come across as forced or annoying, which was excellently done. I also enjoyed the simplicity.
I say go for the publishing. It never hurts to try. :D
Hi,
The form works perfectly here. It's a really beautiful poem and the repetition makes it.
The only thing I'd change would be to cut "little" before "things" as it makes the line too long.
I especially enjoyed the third stanza-it was very powerful.
Definitely think about publishing. It's tough out there but you have nothing to lose by trying. Keep writing, keep trying-be prepared for rejection and be prepared to keep at it.
"Page After Page" is a wonderful book by Heather Sellers which I think you'd find interesting as you embark on your writing life and begin to think about publishing.
Hope this helps,
Jas